(The free, very sober bi-monthly English language newsletter.)
(Note: A short Gnarly Gnews follows page 2)
Gnarly Gnenglish

Published by the SMP Company, PO Box 1563, Santa Fe, NM 87504
Copyright 2010 by Montgomery Phister, Jr.
www.gnarlymath.com
Vol 1, No.4, September/October, 1814
London, England

Page 1

We Interview the Inimitable Miss Jane Austen
Author of Many Delightful Novels, Including
Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park,
Sense and Sensibility,
and Emma
House at Chawton
      We had read Miss Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice, and had enjoyed it immensely. It had not received much attention from reviewers of new books, so she was not yet well-known. But we were confident she would be famous at some time, and wanted to meet her. We found she was living in a small village named Chawton, some 50 miles south-west of London.
      We caught a stagecoach in London headed for Winchester and Southampton. It had the usual four horses, and the driver was a lean fellow with a lot of character. He told all the lady passengers that they were beautiful, said that his horses were named Hickory, Dickory, Dock and Clock, and assured us we would be in Southampton in an hour -- though of course we all knew it was about 100 miles away.
      We got off at Winchester and hired a gig to take us back to Chawton. We arrived at about 2 pm, and had no trouble finding Miss Austen's home--a charming two-story brick building with attic windows.
      A maid answered the door and ushered us into the drawing room. Not long after Miss Austen came in. We introduced ourselves, told her we admired her novel and wanted to write an article on her for our newspaper, Gnarly Gnenglish. Jane Austen
      "You make a bad start," she said. "The proper word is gnarled; it is applied only to trees; gnarly is new and vulgar; and gnenglish will never be a word at all. Why should I make myself known to a person who insists on corrupting our language?"
      We apologized for our misuse of words, and wondered whether she didn't like her work admired.
      "That is better. Not everyone admits his errors; if we all did, we would have no time for anything else. And of course my work must be admired. That it has not been noticed makes me wonder whether it in fact exists. Do you pretend your paper can resurrect it?"
      We hoped it could help, especially if we could tell something about the author.
      "The author is of course myself, and I must have a history. I suppose you argue that a person buying a horse wants to know all about that animal, and therefore a subscriber would buy my work if he knew more about me. It is not flattering that you compare me to a horse."
      We denied having made such a comparison
      "Your denial is not logical," she replied, "but I am willing to say something that may help. I was born in the last century, but will not admit the year. I am very provincial, having almost always lived in this part of England. I have never visited another country, and hope I am not scorned for being a stranger to London.
      "I have six brothers and one sister. Cassandra is named after our mother, and is perfect in every way. The two younger brothers are in the Royal Navy and will surely be Admirals in good time. At one point brother Frank was praised by Lord Nelson. Why he failed to praise brother Charles remains a mystery.
      "My father's library contains over 500 books, and I have read all that deserved my attention. We all were great novel readers, and not ashamed of being so. Cassandra and I learned to draw and to play the piano. We needed no other accomplishments.
      "To amuse my family I began writing when I was twelve. It is not clear whether they were actually amused, but they pretended convincingly. Mostly I poked fun at society, a quite satisfying endeavor, though perhaps too easy since the world is so absurd. You might enjoy my History of England. It was a pleasure to compose, but the misspelled words are mortifying to a person who is proud to write and prejudiced against ignorance."
      We thought the first paragraph of Pride and Prejudice wonderful:

      "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

      "I suppose you mean you agree to its truth," Miss Austen replied, "but you dress so modestly I doubt you posses a good fortune. Your agreement stems from hope not from experience. You didn't mention the closing paragraph,

      "With the Gardiners they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them."

      "The construction of a book's beginning and ending sentences is a disagreeable duty. The middle parts, however, present no particular difficulty."
      We had supposed Miss Austen had written something besides Pride and Prejudice.
      "I started work on three novels when I was twenty: Pride, Sense and Sensibility, and Northanger Abbey. Mansfield Park, Emma, and Persuasion complete the list. All have now been published, though they have made me neither rich nor famous. There may be more in the future, if my determination can overcome my indifference."
      We observed she was unmarried, and supposed she had had many offers.
      "You already are well enough acquainted with my eccentric person to doubt the sense of any suitor I might have. In any event I have not found a suitable person. His grace and spirit must be united to his worth. His manners must be equal to the heart and understanding. He must be the eldest son of a man of fortune and an Englishman who is a near relation of a particular friend. There was a time I was destined to marry George Crabbe, whose poetry I admired. When his wife died Cassandra wrote asking what my hopes were. I replied, 'Poor woman! I will comfort him as well as I can, but I do not undertake to be good to her children. She had better not leave any.' "
      We thanked Miss Austen for taking the time to talk to us, and said we must leave to catch a train back to London. She rang the maid, to show us out, and said,
      "I cannot pretend I have enjoyed talking about my evident genius and my affairs. I am sorry you have been so agreeable. I prefer acquaintances who are not so, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. It is unkind of me to have treated you so unfairly, but it has been my unhappy fate seldom to treat people so well as they deserve."
      As I made my way to town, I decided that Miss Austen's character seemed perfectly suited to her writings. Both are unusually unpredictable and charming.


Limerick
      Miss Austen was known for her Pride.
      And her good Sense was praised far and wide.
            But why Emma would Park
            In an Abbey so stark....
       We'll find that Persuasion's no guide.
Singing Newspapers
      (In Paris in the 18th century about half the people were illiterate -- they could not read. Everyone knew the days' popular songs, however, so someone had the wonderful idea of telling the daily news by singing it in bars and cafes to the tune of songs.
      Here's an example applied to today. You might read Sam'll Answer, on the next page, to appreciate this song. )

The Elgin Marbles
(To the tune of Where have all the Flowers Gone?)

      Where have all the Marbles gone?
      Long time passing
      Where have all the Marbles gone?
      Long time ago
      Taken from the Parthenon.
      Brought away to keep them safe.
      When will they ever learn?
      When will they ever learn?

      Why have all the Marbles gone?
      Long time passing
      Why have all the Marbles gone?
      Long time ago
      Elgin stole them every one.
      Byron said it was a crime.
      When will they ever learn?
      When will they ever learn?

      Where will all the Marbles go?
      Long time passing
      Where will all the Marbles go?
      Long time ago
      Safe in London, every one.
      Never, never back to Greece.
      When will they ever learn?
      When will they ever learn?


A Most Remarkable Character
The Reverend James Bereford
And his Miseries
(We had left our artist behind in London, and this sketch was drawn from your editor's memory.. perhaps not very accurately)
Rev. James Bereford       Everyone knows the hilarious work titled The Miseries of Human Life, which amused the whole nation when it was published some years ago.
      But hardly any of us know much about the author, the Reverend James Bereford.
      Making some diligent enquiries we discovered him to be serving as Rector of Kibworth, near Leicestershire. So we made our way to that small town and found him without much difficulty.
      He was certainly an unusual-looking personage, whose personality and appearance seemed consistent with the tone of his famous work. We introduced ourselves, and asked him to tell a bit about himself.
      "The existence of my ten brothers and sisters," he began, "undoubtedly affected me in countless ways. I teased them, and they teased me, and our poor parents had a dreadful time keeping order. Of course, it helped that they sent me off to school when I was nine. In due course, with suitable recommendations from my headmaster, I arrived at Oxford and received my degree in 1798. I was a most scholarly chap. I translated Virgil's Aeneid before I got my degree, and published a Song of the Sun, and the story of the Battle of Trafalgar."
      We said he was of course famous for his Miseries.
      "Ah, yes," he replied, "Most famous. It came out in 1806. But you should know its full title is The Miseries of Human Life; or, the Last Groans of Timothy Testy and Samuel Sensitive, with a few Supplementary Sighs from Mrs. Testy. With which are interspersed Varieties, incidental to the principal matter, in prose and verse.
      "It was widely read. My favorite compliment was from Sir Walter Scott, who wrote, 'It contains some wit, much humour, and perfect originality.' Perhaps he could have praised the wit more fully.
      "There were a great number of imitators."
      We observed that he was a churchman, and that it was a serious profession not commonly leading to humor.
      "But I have always found humour wherever I look," he said. "My personal life is actually quite pleasant; but it is easy to see what I called Misery, everywhere. It is of course not really misery, but rather our reaction to the unexpected and difficult. We all are subject to trouble of that kind.
(Continued on the left column at "Other Humour")
Interesting Words
(Words in this issue which may be new to some.)
  •       Ascend: (v) To advance from a lower level or station.
  •       Bludgeon: (n) A short, heavy, wooden club.
  •       Depredation: (n) Damage, or loss.
  •       Dilemma: (n) A situation where a choice must be made between things that seem equally bad.
  •       Eclat: (n) Pomp and splendor
  •       Fallacious: (adj) Misleading, disappointing, unsound.
  •       Gig: (n) A small carriage with two wheels drawn by one horse.
  •       Interspersed: (adj) Distributed among other things.
  •       Intimate: (adj) Having close acquaintance, or association, or familiarity.
  •       Perambulation: (n) A leisurely walk.
  •       Perennial: (adj) Something that keeps repeating on a yearly or continuing basis.
  •       Predecessor: (n) Someone who comes before another in time, especially in holding an office or position.
  •       Proclivity: (n) A tendency; an attitude of mind that favors one thing over others.
  •       Provincial: (adj) Limited in view; narrow; self-centered.
  •       Recollect: (v) To remember.
  •       Spleen: (n) An organ in the human body below the lungs, which is the seat of emotions and passions.
  • >      Taciturn: (adj) Not inclined to talk or express opinions.
  •       Tolerable: (adj) Fairly good
  •       Vindication: (n) Defense, or excuse.

      (Note: definitions are often not complete sentences -- they may not have subject and verb.)
Where Words Come From
      Any word is just like you and me.
      All of us can boast a history.
      With words it's etymology

      Dilemma. From the Greek word dilemma meaning "double proposition". To be really accurate, one should only use it if there are two choices to be made: Should I go, or not? But it's often used when there are more than two: Should I have chicken, beef, or a salad for lunch?
      Gig. There are several possibilities: from Middle English ghyg "spinning top" (like our word whirligig); or from giglet, which is a "giddy girl"; or from Old Norse geiga "turn sideways". In other words, no one knows.


The History of England
(Excerpts)
By Jane Austen
Written when she was
Fifteen Years Old

It begins:

The History of England from the reign of Henry the 4th
to the death of Charles the 1st

By a partial, prejudiced, & ignorant Historian
To my sister, Miss Austen, eldest daughter
of the Revd. George Austen,
this Work is inscribed with all due respect by
The Author
N.B. There will be very few Dates
in this History

Henry the 4th

      HENRY the 4th ascended the throne of England much to his own satisfaction in the year 1399, after having prevailed on his cousin & predecessor Richard the 2d to resign it to him, & to retire for the rest of his Life to Pomfret Castle, where he happened to be murdered. It is to be supposed that Henry was married, since he had certainly four sons, but it is not in my power to inform the Reader who was his Wife......

Henry the 5th
      THIS Prince, after he succeeded to the throne, grew quite reformed & Amiable, forsaking all his dissipated Companions.... During his reign, Lord Cobham was burnt alive, but I forget what for. His Majesty then turned his thoughts to France, where he went & fought the famous Battle of Agincourt. He afterwards married the King's daughter Catherine, a very agreeable Woman by Shakespear's account. In spite of all this, however, he died, and was succeeded by his son Henry.

Henry the 6th
      I CANNOT say much for this Monarch's Sense -- Nor would I if I could, for he was a Lancastrian. I suppose you know all about the Wars between him and & The Duke of York, who was of the right side; If you do not, you had better read some other History, for I shall not be very diffuse in this, meaning by it only to vent my Spleen against, & shew my hatred to all those people whose parties or principles do not suit with mine, and not to give information. ....

Edward the 4th
      THIS Monarch was famous only for his Beauty & his Courage,.... & his undaunted Behaviour in marrying one Woman while he was engaged to another, are sufficient proofs .... One of Edward's Mistresses was Jane Shore, who has had a play written about her, but it is a tragedy & therefore not worth reading. ...

Henry the 7th
      ...His Majesty died, & was succeeded by his son Henry, whose only merit was his not being quite so bad as his daughter Elizabeth.

Henry the 8th
Henry VIII       ....IT would be an affront to my Readers were I to suppose that they were not as well acquainted with the particulars of this King's reign as I am myself. It will therefore be saving them the task of reading again what they have read before, & myself the trouble of writing what I do not perfectly recollect, by giving only a slight sketch of the principal Events which marked his reign.
      Among these may be ranked ,,,, the reformation in Religion, & the King's riding through the Streets of London with Anna Bullen. It is however but Justice, & my Duty to declare that this amiable Woman was entirely innocent of the Crimes with which she was accused, of which her Beauty, her Elegance, & her Sprightliness were sufficient proofs ...
      The Crimes & Cruelties of this Prince were too numerous to be mentioned (as this history I trust has fully shown); & nothing can be said in his vindication, but that his abolishing Religious Houses & leaving them to the ruinous depredations of time has been of infinite use to the landscape of England in general, which probably was a principal motive for his doing it ...
      His Majesty's 5th wife was the Duke of Norfolk's Niece who, tho' universally acquitted of the crimes for which she was beheaded, has been by many people supposed to have led an abandoned Life before her Marriage -- of this, however, I have many doubts, since she was a relation of that noble Duke of Norfolk ....
      The king's last wife contrived to survive him, but with difficulty effected it. Queen Elizabeth

Elizabeth
      It was the peculiar misfortune of this Woman to have bad Ministers. Since wicked as she herself was, she could not have committed such extensive Mischief, had not those vile & abandoned Men connived at, & encouraged her in her Crimes.
      ...[These men allowed] Elizabeth to bring this amiable Woman [Queen Mary] to an untimely, unmerited, and scandalous Death. .... She was executed in the Great Hall at Fotheringay Castle (sacred Place!) on Wednesday the 8th of February — 1586 —— to the everlasting Reproach of Elizabeth, her Ministers, and of England in general.
      ... I shall proceed to mention the remaining Events that marked Elizabeth's reign. It was about this time that Sir Francis Drake the first English Navigator who sailed round the World, lived, to be the ornament of his Country & his profession. ... It would be endless to recount the misfortunes of the noble and gallant Earl [Robert Devereux Lord Essex]. It is sufficient to say that he was beheaded on the 25th of Feb, after having been Lord Lieuitenant of Ireland ...
Today's Gnarly Weather
      It will be a day full of miseries -- rain, snow, hurricanes, halitosis, and bad hair.
School Days
      You should know the name of Henry the 4th's wife, Gregory. Miss Austen's History of England is not the book you should be studying.
Other Humour
(Continued from the left column)
      "I have found humour in other things," Bereford continued. "I wrote a humorous imitation of Boswell's Life of Samuel Johnson, and various parodies and mock-criticism. I must insist I have also written serious things, and am extraordinally serious in my sermons and in my work in the parish..
      "Perhaps I have been influenced by my somewhat unusual appearance, which often makes it difficult for me to taken seriously by some persons. Had I been handsome, I probably would have been more serious."
      We told him we thought his appearance quite dignified, and, taking our leave, added that whatever the reasons were for his humour, we were delighted he had created it.
      Some bits and pieces from the Miseries appear elsewhere in this issue.
This Month's Riddle
     Q. In what literary attribute does James Bereford clearly outmatch Jane Austen?
(Answer below)

Gnarly Gnenglish
Vol 1, No.4, September/October, 1814
London, England
Page 2
The Miseries of Human Life
by James Bereford
Excerpts
      ... The great troubles are perennial, as they are universal. The alternation of smiles and tears in human life is as constant and as decided as the general division of the earth's surface into land and water.
      .. But as we desire, above all things, a quick, ready, irresistible sympathy for our petty (incident to pets) and pungent (fruitful in puns) miseries of the happy - -( Q: Can the neutral word mis-hap have been originally a compound from misery and happiness, as signifying something between the two?) -- we have judged it best, in some cases, to substitute for certain dilemmas corresponding ones costumed for our own time
Miseries of the country.
Sensitive. This is a hard world, Testy.
Testy. That is a fact, Sensitive, and besides a promising opening to our first attack on the array of our enemies...
Testy. Let's begin in the country, since we are here, and tell some of the miseries of walks, rides, drives, etc, that fools take with the fallacious idea that they are enjoying themselves!
  • Walking with the bulldog In your evening walk, being closely followed for half an hour, by a large bulldog, (without his master) who keeps up a stifled growl, with his muzzle nuzzling about your calf, as if choosing out the fleshiest bite: no bludgeon.
  • In attempting to spring carelessly, with the help of one hand, over a five-barred gate, by way of showing your activity to a party of ladies behind you, (whom you affect not to have observed) blundering upon your nose on the other side.
Miseries of games, sports, etc.
Sensitive.... I for my part, have been sporting and dancing and singing, with tears in my eyes, ever since we parted; and have brought you a pocket-full of pains, composed entirely of pleasures! .... The better scholar flogged
  • Seeing the boy who is next above you flogged for a recitation which you know you cannot say even half so well as he did.
  • Being obliged to take a severe licking from a boy twice as big, but not half so brave as yourself; then flogged for fighting, because you at first aimed one blow, which, however, did not reach the long-armed rascal.
  • Telling a story to a circle of boys who shortly interrupt you to tell you the point, having listened patiently so far for the sake of laughing at you for telling over again the same identical story that you had told them before.
Miseries of the cities.
  • In going out to dinner (already too late), your carriage delayed by a jam of coaches which choke up the whole street, and allow you at least an hour more than you require to sharpen your wits for table talk.
          Ned Testy. You want to meat with friends-- you did meet with obstructions!
  • Pushing in with an immense crowd at a narrow door, through which such another crowd is pushing out: thermometer at 95 or '6.
  • Sitting with an excruciating headache to see a vile play acted by viler performers, for the eighth or tenth time, in a crowded back row, with a dull party, in August Kicking in the locked door
  • To finish off an evening spent in delights of this sort by coming home to a house closed to any appeal your can make.
          Ned Testy. A peal or a score of peals, on bell and knocker included.
Miseries of traveling..

Sensitive. It is an uncommonly pleasant thing to dream of traveling. To lie down after dinner and read yourself to sleep and dream of going over the prairies to the Rocky Mountains; of exploring the Holy Land; or of going to England. To dream of all this, I say, has little of misery in it, and therefore would seem about as barren a ground for the research particularly allotted to us, as any state of existence in the whole unhappy round of human experience. BUT misfortune courses fast.
  • Entering France with the idea that you have a fair practical knowledge of French, and then finding your only difficulties to be that you cannot understand what anybody says, and that nobody can understand what you say. The wrong word for the pretty lady
  • Finding that you had been addressing a charming French woman all the evening by a word which had an absurd meaning in her language, but which you mistook for her name.
The trials of social men.
  • Tearing your throat to rags in abortive efforts to call back a person who has just left you, and with whom you have forgotten to touch on one of the most important subjects which you met to discuss.
  • After loudly boasting of your superior skill in stirring the fire, and being requested by the lady of the house to undertake it --- suddenly extinguishing every spark, Failing to stir the fire
  • Making your best bow for a supposed high compliment to yourself, which, however, you are presently petrified by discovering was either not intended at all, or intended for another.
Testy (aside to the reader) what is the difference between a bare head and a hair bed? A bare head flees for a shelter; a hair bed's a shelter for fleas.
Library troubles
The unfortunate missing pages
  • In attempting, at a strange house, to take down a rare book from a high crowded shelf, bringing half the library upon your nose.
  •   On arriving at that part of the last volume of an enchanting novel, in which the interest is wrought up to the highest pitch -- suddenly finding the remaining leaves, catastrophe and all, torn out.
Eating annoyances
  • On coming down late to a hasty breakfast, finding the last drop of water in your kettle boiling away, the toast in the ashes and the cat just finishing the cream. The wrong side, always
  • Letting fall (of course on the buttered side) the piece of roll or muffin on which you had set your heart.
Testy. There is a song Mrs. Testy used to sing for me that exemplifies the proclivity of all bodies toward falling on the wrong side. I probably do not remember the exact words, but it was something like this:

"I never had a dear gazelle,
Particularly long and wide,
But when it came to know me well,
and always on the buttered side!"

Ned Testy. How you do murder things, father! There were two songs, one of which was a parody on the other:

"I never had a dear gazelle,
To glad me with its soft black eye,
But when it came to know me well,
and love me -- is was sure to die."

      The parody is like unto it:

"I never had a piece of bread
Particularly long and wide,
But fell upon the sanded floor
and always on the buttered side!"

  • As you sit at breakfast, suddenly breaking down the back of your chair, and in a failing attempt to save yourself in your fall, kicking up the table -- with the comfort, however, of preserving the tea-urn, cups, plates, etc all of which you deliver safely into the lap of the lady of the house, who sits opposite.
  • While you are swallowing a raspberry, discovering by its taste that you have been so unhappy as to occasion the death of a harmless insect.
Domestic miseries
The unfortunate cat and the unfortunate seat
  • Squatting plump on an unsuspected and unsuspecting cat in your chair.
  • Losing the keys of all your most private repositories; by which you suffer a double embarrassment: that you can not, yourself, get at what you want; and that they have, probably fallen into the hands of others, who both can and will.
  • Vainly hunting, a thousand times over, in every corner, crook, and cranny of the house, for something you have lost; till, at some future period, when you have long abandoned the pursuit, the truant article appears of its own accord.
Sensitive. Yes, but not until you have entirely ceased to want it.
Miseries of the body
The miserable sneeze
  • Being on the bri-- on the bri-- on the bri-- on the br -- (sneezes)--ink of a sneeze for a quarter of an hour together; and yet, with all your gasping and sobbing, never able to compass it.
  • Trying in vain to tamper with an approaching fit of the cramp, by stretching out your limbs and lying as still as a mouse.
  • The interval between the dentist's confession that your tooth will be very difficult to draw, and the commencement of the attempt.
  • A doctor who persists in telling you that there is nothing the matter with you, instead of giving you medicine suited to the importance you think attaches to your ailments.
    Ned Testy. Or one who always reiterates the same word, which would be equally appropriate if the complaint were red hair!
    Sensitive. What word is that, Ned?
    Ned Testy. Diet The meager hair and the excess chins
  • On instituting a severe scrutiny into the state of your hair, from the sudden and alarming detection of a bald spot, finding yourself at least ten years nearer to a wig than you had at all apprehended.
  • The season when you first begin to have a "realizing sense" of the approach of age, and before you get accustomed to the consciousness of having one forehead to many, one chin too many, and a good many teeth too few.
           Ned Testy. I should think father must have been forty-fied some years ago, against feelings of that sort.
    Miseries Miscellaneous
  • Showing the colleges, public buildings, and other remarkables of the city, for the 500th time, to a party who discover no signs of life during the whole perambulation.
  • To be interrupted in adding up a whole ledger column of figures when within four or five of the end; and then, in your rage, forgetting what you carried from the previous column, so as to be compelled to add that over to begin with.
  • To look over the opposition papers the morning after paying your enormous city taxes, and see what an outrageous system of corruption your money has gone to sustain.
(Continued in the right column at "Sensitive")
The New Chloe
      When we got back from Chawton, we found our young friend Chloe waiting in our office. She knew we had visited Miss Austen, and we told her of our conversation.
      "Did you ask her how she decided to name her book Pride and Prejudice?" Chloe asked.
      We had to admit we had not, though it seemed pretty obvious. Darcy is proud, and Elizabeth prejudiced.
      The story was about the romances of the young sisters of the Bennet family, and in particular of the two elder sisters. Jane is from the beginning in love with Mr. Bingley; and Elizabeth, who dotes on her sister, starts by disliking Fitzwilliam Darcy and in the end marries him.
      "Of course it's obvious," Chloe said. "But have you looked carefully in the book to see where the two words Pride and Prejudice are used?"
      We admitted we had not, and doubted it was worth while.
      "Ah, but you're wrong there. You will admit that one of Miss Austen's charms is her wonderful ability to tell a story."
      We had to agree on that point.
      "Wonderful, wonderful indeed," said Chloe. "For example, remember when Darcy first saw Elizabeth at the dance, and told Bingley, "She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me." Elizabeth overheard that remark, and it must have been the beginning of her prejudice against him. And when they returned from the party, Mrs. Bennet said, 'If Mr. Darcy had been so very agreeable, he would have talked to Mrs. Long. but I can guess how it was; every body says that he is eat up with pride, and I dare say he had heard somehow that Mrs. Long does not keep a carriage, and had come to the ball in a hack chaise'.
      "But at a later dance, Darcy had begun to find Elizabeth attractive and interesting. So he invited her to dance. She still did not like him, but their conversation, you remember was fine. I've copied the text:"

      They stood for some time without speaking a word; and she began to imagine that their silence was to last through the two dances, and at first was resolved not to break it; till suddenly fancying that it would be the greater punishment to her partner to oblige him to talk, she made some slight observation on the dance. He replied, and was again silent. After a pause of some minutes, she addressed him a second time with:
      "It is your turn to say something now, Mr. Darcy. -- I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some kind of remark on the size of the room, or the number of couples."
      He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said.
      ``Very well. -- That reply will do for the present. -- Perhaps by and by I may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones. -- But now we may be silent.''
      ``Do you talk by rule then, while you are dancing?''
      ``Sometimes. One must speak a little, you know. It would look odd to be entirely silent for half an hour together, and yet for the advantage of some, conversation ought to be so arranged that they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible.''
      ``Are you consulting your own feelings in the present case, or do you imagine that you are gratifying mine?''
      ``Both,'' replied Elizabeth archly; ``for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. -- We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb.''

      "It's no wonder Darcy began to fall in love with her," Chloe remarked, "after that conversation."
      I agreed that his pride couldn't keep him from enjoying her company.
      "But her prejudice grew and grew," Chloe said, "for she thought he was unfair to Mr. Wickham, a mutual friend, and that he had purposely discouraged Mr. Bingley from pursuing her sister Jane.
      "And then he proposed to her!!! Of course, his proposal could have been worded better. Here's what Miss Austen wrote, when Darcy had unexpectedly shown up:

       After a silence of several minutes, Darcy came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began,
      ``In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.''
      Elizabeth's astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority -- of its being a degradation -- of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

      "If anyone ever proposes to me, I hope he'll be kinder." said Chloe. "And of course Elizabeth turned him down:"

      ``You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.''
      She saw him start at this, but he said nothing, and she continued,
      ``You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it.''

      "Ouch," said Chloe. "That hurt. And it showed how and why she was prejudiced.
      "But the next day he found her walking in the park, gave her a letter, and walked away. He had written it that morning, and it was two pages long. He explained why he had done the things which had prejudiced Elizabeth against him. Elizabeth read it very quickly, doubting everything he said. But then she read it again more carefully, trying to put her prejudice aside. It took two more readings to convince her that she had been unfair to Darcy, and Miss Austen then writes:"

      She grew absolutely ashamed of herself. -- Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she think, without feeling that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd.
      ``How despicably have I acted!'' she cried. -- ``I, who have prided myself on my discernment..."

      "And in the end," continued Chloe, "after all sorts of charming and humorous events, Elizabeth marries Darcy and Jane marries Bingley. And I'm sure they all lived happily ever after."
      I agreed about ever after. You'll find the last paragraph of the book in my interview with Miss Austen.


Answer to this Month's Riddle
      Q. In what literary attribute does James Bereford clearly outmatch Jane Austen?.
      A. Book-naming. One of Bereford's books has a longer title than all of Miss Austen's put together.
(Back to top of page)
Sam'll Answer
DEAR SAM:
      I've heard that two of our more famous Lords are fighting: Lord Byron and Lord Elgin. Will they end with swords, or pistols?
            LORDS FIGHTING LORDS?

      Dear LORDS FIGHTING
      No swords or pistols, just arguments. The Parthenon, before and after
      Lord Elgin was made Ambassador to Turkey. He had always been very interested in the Parthenon, the old building in Athens, in the Greek part of Turkey. It was built in about 450 BC, a beautiful building dedicated to the goddess Athena. But through the centuries it fell on hard times. The statue of Athena was stolen. The building became a Christian church, at which time many columns inside the building were removed. Next, when Greece became a part of the Ottoman (Turkish) Empire, it became a mosque. In the 1700's, during a war, it was being used to store gunpowder when it was shot at. The powder blew up and the building was partly destroyed. Sculptures all over the building were damaged terribly. From then on the building was empty, unused.
      Lord Elgin got permission from the Sultan to study the many sculptures in the ruined building, most of them damaged in some way -- many very badly broken. He hired artists to draw and make casts of these works.
       But he went further. He interpreted the Sultan's words as allowing him to remove the sculptures. He hired local people to collect pieces, bought some small ones from local Greeks, and even sawed off some pieces.
       The last pieces arrived here in England two years ago, and right now the government is trying to decide what to do with them. Probably they will be displayed in the British Museum. There are about 30 sculptures along with various parts and pieces of the building itself. The sculptures include men on horseback, centaurs (half man half horse), and women leading cattle to be slaughtered.
       The arrival of all these pieces has caused many arguments. Some say Lord Elgin was a hero for rescuing works of art which had been badly treated over the centuries, and might well be damaged or stolen again. Others condemn him for stealing the Greek heritage.
      And finally we come to the fight. Lord Byron, perhaps England's most famous poet, is on the side of the condemners. He has attacked Lord Elgin with some very unkind words and poems, many too ugly to print here. Here is one of his more temperate comments:

      Dull is the eye that will not weep to see
      Thy walls defaced, thy mouldering shrines removed
      By British hands, which it had best behooved
      To guard those relics ne’er to be restored.

      I presume that answers your question. No blood, but much contention.


This Month's Puzzle
      Point out the subject and the verb in each of these sentences.
      "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
      "This is a hard world, Testy."
Answer to Last Month's Puzzle
      Last month we were asked to find the two errors in the following sentence.
      When you need assistence, their's nothing like a romp in the hay.
      I hope you noted that assistance was misspelled, and that we mean "there's" (there is), not "their's", which is not a word at all.
(Continued from the left column)
Sensitive, if it is not enough to make a man forswear the world, and return to Coney Island for ever, to attempt to keep an eye on the New York city government! Executive, common council, police, street-sweepers...all, from the highest to the lowest, all together or all in turn, either for inefficiency or for rascality or both are a disgrace to the city and deserve to be a byword for all time!
  • To find yourself poised, both feet together---
          Ned Testy. It's a bad plan to poise-on your feet, if it is at all like my school misery of poison in my hands.
    .. in the midst of a glare of ice so slippery that it is with the utmost difficulty and danger you can make the least effort of propulsion.
Ned Testy. One of the modern city politicians would be the person to consult in your dilemma. Their whole lives being one continued effort to get off-ice, they have no lack of experience.

The Gnarly Gnews

Why Math?
      Some subscribers said they'd like us to continue publishing some math, and I've agreed that each issue of Gnarly Gnenglish would include a brief session on mathematics. This is it.
      If any of you has any suggestions about what you'd like discussed in future issues, please let me know. A couple of people requested today's subject .

Why is it Important to Study Math?
What the Use of all this Boring Stuff?
      There are several reasons why math is important in everyone's life. (I would disagree with the word 'Boring', but I tried to make it fun in the eleven years I published Gnarly Math.)
  • Math improves our ability to think .
          First, it exercises and trains our memories -- as when we learn the addition and multiplication tables. We use memory all the time: to remember the names of new friends; to remember addresses and telephone numbers; to remember how to get to a particular destination.
          Second, it teaches us how to use logic in our thinking. If a+b=180 and b+c=180, then of course a+b=b+c and so a must equal c. It is logic that leads us to that conclusion.
          In life maybe we know that a railroad bridge has collapsed over the river near our town. It'll take weeks to repair it. We work for a hamburger joint in town, and its supplies come by train. We're sure that the store'll run out of meat before the bridge is fixed. So we conclude that either: the store will have to shut down until the bridge is fixed (very unlikely); that the meat will have to be unloaded from the train on the other side of the river and brought into town by car or truck; or that the meat won't be shipped by train -- and therefore by truck or bus or air. That's an example of the use of logic. Perhaps one might come to the same conclusion had one not taken math; but math helps us make correct decisions about our lives.
    (Continued in the right column at "More Why")
More Why
(Continued from left column.)
  • Math is useful in everyday life.
          You're having lunch at a cafe and must leave a tip that's about 15% of the bill. You go 5 miles per hour on your bike, and want to know how long it'll take to get to the toy store 8 miles away. You and five friends want to divide up $141.46 equally between you. How much will be left after you've each taken an equal part? Which is better: to buy 6 bottles of cola for $0.87each, or a six-pack for $5.31? The road sign says Smithville is 160 kilometers away. How long a drive will it be if you're going 55 miles per hour?
          These are the kinds of problems you'll run across frequently as time goes by.
  • Math is necessary for work in many important jobs and professions
          If you're an engineer designing highways or integrated circuits or refrigerators, you'll use math practically every day. You have a 200 ohm resistor and you've got 25 volts across it. How much current will pass, and what power will be used? You're using steel with an elastic limit of 36,000 pounds per square inch, you want to support 150,000 pounds, so what should be the diameter of the supporting cable?
          Scientists use math all the time. For example, an astronomer can use Newton's law of gravitation to find out where Mars will be 117 days from now.
          But math is used by people in everyday occupations, too. An auto mechanic converts a metric part, like a bearing, from millimeters to 0.155 inches. The part comes only in sizes measured in 64th of an inch. Which one should he get that'll be closest to 0.155 inches? A carpenter is covering a wall 16 feet wide and 12 feet high. How many 12 -foot planks 5 1/2 inches wide will he need? A fire fighter is using a hose 2 1/2 inches in diameter and 130 feet long. If he connects it to a hydrant which puts out 1200 gallons per minute, how long will it take for the water to fill the hose (so it can start putting out the fire)? An airline pilot flies at 175 miles per hour, but runs into a head wind of 35 knots. What will his true speed be?
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