(The free, very sober bi-monthly English language newsletter.)
Gnarly Gnenglish

Published by the SMP Company, PO Box 1563, Santa Fe, NM 87504
Copyright 2010 by Montgomery Phister, Jr.
www.gnarlymath.com
Vol. 1, No. 1, March/April, 2010

Page 1

English? Who Needs English?
The Answer is: "Everybody"
If you Can't Talk, No One Will Hear You
If you Can't Write, No One Will Read You

      For ten years I've written the Gnews
      Whose math perhaps gave you the blues.
      I've treated the subject with care
      And now I have no more to share.

      My granddaughter heard of my plight
      And made a suggestion quite bright.
      "Though math is a subject you've taught
      "Why don't you give English a thought?"

      As soon as she said it I knew
      She had found me the right thing to do.
      We all must be able to write
      And improper writing's a blight.

      So now I'll be trying to teach
      Things like grammar and spelling and speech
      You'll learn how to think and compose,
      And I trust I won't cause you to doze.


Singing Newspapers

      (In Paris in the 18th century about half the people were illiterate -- they could not read. Everyone knew the days' popular songs, however, so someone had the wonderful idea of telling the daily news by singing it in bars and cafes to the tune of songs.
      Here's an example applied to today.)

The Bankers
(To the tune of Waltzing Matilda)

      Once a jolly banker loaned all his money out
      Folks could buy their houses almost free.
      And he sang as his dollars dropped down to nothingness
      "You'll all be happy now, thanks to me."

      You'll all be happy now, You'll all be happy now,
      You'll all be happy now, thanks to me
      And he sang as his dollars dropped down to nothingness
      You'll all be happy now, thanks to me

      Up rode the government, mounted on its bureaucrats
      Down came the lawyers, one, two, three.
      "Where has all your dough gone, you are going belly-up,
      "Guilty as anything," they sang with glee.

      Guilty as anything, Guilty as anything,
      "Guilty as anything", they sang with glee.
      Where's all your dough gone, you are going belly-up,
      "Guilty as anything", they sang with glee.

      Up jumped the banker and sprang into retirement
      "You'll never put me in jail," said he
      He gave himself a bonus, big as a galaxy
      Spends his time fishing, now, happily

      Spends his time fishing, now, Spends his time fishing, now
      Spends his time fishing, now, happily
      He gave himself a bonus, big as a galaxy
      Spends his time fishing, now, happily
      Oh he spends his time fishing, now, happily


Boring Grammar
Speech has Parts
      Every word is one of many parts.
      Learn all of them and add much to your smarts.

      Names of things are what are known as NOUNS
      Apples, horses, grief, cashiers and clowns.
      The PRONOUNS stand for nouns quite commonly
      You jump, he swims, she earns, they sing, I see.
      An ADJECTIVE tells things about a noun.
      Neat, greedy, happy, hopeful, jealous, brown.
      An action word is always called a VERB.
      Jump, learn, admire, prevent, bewitch, disturb.
      The ADVERB signals just how things are done.
      Scramble quickly, gladly learn, well spun.
      The ARTICLES I fear are only three:
      The words are simply a and an and the.
      Before a noun a PREPOSITION stands.
      For Mom, before Thanksgiving, across lands.
      CONJUNCTIONS interlink words hand in glove
      Milk and cookies, push or pull, hate nor love.
      The INTERJECTION helps us to exclaim.
       Whoopee! Aha! Hot dog! Alas! For shame!

      No doubt you'll now remember easily:
      Alas! And the neat horse jumps well for me.


Neat Delights
Books and Sites
Book:
      In 1919 Professor William Strunk taught an English course at Cornell University. The text was a 43-page book he had written called The Elements of Style.
      By 1957 the Professor had died, and E.B. White, a well-known American author, was asked to update it. He revised it slightly and added a chapter of his own called "An Approach to Style". The third edition is 85 pages long.
      The book is famous, and is generally called 'Strunk and White'. If you're looking for advice on writing, explained clearly with many examples, have a look at this very short book.

Web Site
      Here's a super Web Site which tells just about all you want to know about writing English. Have a look at it at Towson University. It also has links to other useful web sites, including a dictionary and thesaurus. You might want to add it to the List of Favorites in your browser.


Where Words Come From
      Any word is just like you and me.
      All of us can boast a history.
      With words it's etymology

      Equinox: From two Latin words: aequi, meaning equal; and nox, meaning night. The time of year when the sun crosses the equator and there are exactly twelve hours between sunrise and sunset.
      Apple: From the Old English word aeppel, which it seems originally meant any kind of fruit (but not berries), and later came to mean what we know as an apple.


Limerick
     We always must struggle to learn,
     To perceive, to discover, discern.
        A person who's wise
        Will win every prize
     And will earn a delightful return.
Embarrassing Mistakes
      Almost every day you'll find
      Writers who are English-blind.

      Here's a quote from a columnist who was writing about the handicaps women have when they enter politics. In particular, she was writing about Ms Clinton and Ms Palin:
      "It is impossible to argue that these two women were not treated unfairly."
      -------- Is that sentence clear to you?
      The author used a triple negative: Impossible, not, and unfairly. We can eliminate two negatives, for "not treated unfairly" is the same as "treated fairly" -- two negatives make a positive. So the sentence becomes:
"It is impossible to argue that these two women were treated fairly", which means the author thinks they were treated unfairly. So why didn't she write:
      "These two women were treated unfairly"?
That would be much clearer, and of course uses 6 words instead of 13.

Commonsense
Sentences
      Every Sentence Must Include
      A Subject and a Verb, there, Dude.
Subject = s, Verb = v
      Wrong
      He hungry
         (s He, no v)
      Girlish writes
         (No s, v writes)
      Went down on the streets
         (no s, v went)
 
      We out of cigarettes
         (s we, no v)
         
      The rains in Spain
         (s rains, no v)
      All sentences
         (s sentences, no v)
      Right
      He is hungry
         (s he, v is)
      Girl writes
         ( s Girl, v writes.)
      I went down
          on the streets of Laredo
         (s I, v went)
      Here we are,
         out of cigarettes
         (s we, v are)
      The rains in Spain fall
         (s rains, v fall)
      All sentences must have
          subject and verb
         (s sentences, v have)
This Month's Riddle
     Q. Why did the King complain about the peasant who said, "I very poor."
(Answer on the next page)

The New Chloe
      Our old friend Chloe dropped by the office. We greeted her with what we remembered as her usual kind of Valley Speak.
      "Hey, Chloe. Like, what's cool today? We're not into, you know, math any more, so can't use your help."
      Chloe grinned. "You're badgering me," she said. "Your language is deplorable. But I've been contemplating my linguist deficiencies and have metamorphosed myself."
      We had to admit this didn't sound like the old Chloe.
      "Do you know what all those long words mean?" we asked.
      "I wouldn't use them if I didn't", she replied.
      "To badger means to nag, or tease. It comes from the way dogs behaved in an old game called badger-baiting.
      "Deplorable means bad or wretched. It comes from the Latin word 'deplorare' which meant deplore
      "To contemplate means to think about with care and attention. It comes from the Latin word contemplari, which meant to gaze at with great attention.
      "Linguistic of course means having to do with language, and a deficiency is a lack.
      "Finally, metamorphose means to change or transform, and it comes from a Latin word that means much the same thing."
      I was impressed, but told her that in writing or speaking one should never use a long word when a shorter word would do.
      Chloe sighed. "You're right," she said. "I was just showing off. I should have said, 'You're teasing me. Your language is terrible. But I've been thinking about my old bad English, and have changed myself.' "
      We told her that was much better, and that we were delighted she was taking our language seriously.
      "I've been reading about the language," she went on. "It's fascinating, particularly its sources. Where did all the words come from? Venerable Bede
      "To figure that out, I looked into the very early history of what's now England. And there was a monk named the 'Venerable Bede' who wrote a book called The History of the English Nation. He lived in a monastery in Monkwearmouth and was writing about 700 AD." She grinned. "He wrote in Latin. There was no standard English language those days. The monastary had a fine library, with over 300 manuscripts; so he had read the works of all the old Romans and Greeks, and of some Britains --- he was an educated man.
      "His book was remarkable," Chloe continued. "Bede begins by describing England, giving its size and telling of its grain, cattle, waterfowl, salmon, seals, dolphin, hot springs, pearls, copper, iron and so on. He says it was first settled by the Britains who came from western France. But now, he wrote, the country 'contains five nations: the English, Britons, Scots, Picts, and Latins, each with its own peculiar dialect.
      "The book goes on to tell how the Romans arrived and then departed, and how in the early 400's the Celtic people in England wrote to the Roman consul complaining that they had been invaded by the Scots, and asking for help. The Romans were fighting their own wars, and refused to help. So these Celts decided to call for help from the Anglos and Saxons, over on the continent.
      "The Anglos and Saxons came in about 450 AD, defeated the Scots, and then brought friends and relatives, and took over the people who had invited them to come. These invaders called the Celts wealas which meant foreigners, and that's where the name Wales came from. The Celts called these new invaders 'Saxons'.
      "Somehow the Celtic language didn't have much influence on what's now English. But the Anglo-Saxon language became the start of what's now English. Words in our language come from all over. Modern English contains many Latin words, like circus, opera, ado, honor, tuba, and album; Norse words like birth, game, whirl, steak, husband, and mistake; French words like age, vinegar, and baggage; Dutch words like yacht, pit, splinter, blink, and knapsack; Arabic words like algebra, average, and zenith; Spanish words like rodeo, potato, ranch, cafeteria, fiesta, hammock, avocado, and bronco; Italian words like pasta, bandit, lava, ghetto, and stiletto; Irish words like brogue and shamrock; Yiddish words like bagel and glitch; German words like blitz, sauerkraut, and pretzel; and Native American words like chipmunk, hominy, moccasin, and raccoon.
      "So today we speak a real hodpodge of words."
      I had to agree with her. We have quite a motley language.
Too Many Words
Are Not Preferred
      One should never even come close
      To being verbose.

      News About the Meeting
      Mr. Grundy, the dedicated Principal of the
             Alabaster School on Fourteenth Street
      Called the meeting to order at promptly seven pm,
          waiting to be sure everyone had a seat.
      Of many matters of business, the first and most important
           was a plan for this year's fourth of July celebration
      Which led to a long discussion on the history of the nation.
      Next was an exchange between teachers and parents
      Who talked of books and homework and discipline
          with many arguments.
      Finally there was a tedious debate over the length
           of the Christmas holiday
      Though no definite conclusion was reached
           because so many were all away

      Better News About the Meeting
      Mr. Grundy, the Principal of the Alabaster School
      Ran a meeting covering the July fourth celebration,
           parent-teacher rule,
      And the length of the holiday Yule.


School Days
      Yes, Mary, they're both complete sentences. But without your explanations, they don't make too much sense.

Gnarly Gnenglish
Vol. 1, No. 1, March/April 2010
Page 2
Random Things
      In this section will be various ideas which don't have anything to do with writing or speaking English. I'll try to express them well.

Springtime
      Poets often write about the seasons,
      Though it's not often they say something new.
      But let me try. I'll not remark on lambs
      Or birds or flowers or butterflies or dew.

      The days are getting longer, and too long
      The glass of darkness has been nearly full.
      We've traveled up a valley through the doldrums
      Wondering if what's coming will be merciful.

      And now the sun is over the equator.
      The equinox makes night hours equal day.
      Here in the north our lives are getting brighter.
      Although the southern hemisphere is turning gray.

      Dawn's sooner now, and evening's later, so
      The summit lets us leave the past behind.
      With any luck the glass will fill with wonder.
      The future will be elegant and kind.

      We hope the future will be kind.


A Classic Poem
I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
by William Wordsworth (1804)
      I wandered lonely as a cloud
      That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
      When all at once I saw a crowd,
      A host, of golden daffodils;
      Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
      Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

      Continuous as the stars that shine
      And twinkle on the milky way,
      They stretched in never-ending line
      Along the margin of a bay:
      Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
      Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

      The waves beside them danced; but they
      Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
      A poet could not but be gay,
      In such a jocund company:
      I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
      What wealth the show to me had brought:

      For oft, when on my couch I lie
      In vacant or in pensive mood,
      They flash upon that inward eye
      Which is the bliss of solitude;
      And then my heart with pleasure fills,
      And dances with the daffodils.

Interesting Words
(Words in this issue which may be new to some.)
      Blight (n): Something that harms.
      Verbose (adj): Using too many words.
      Tedious (adj): Dull and boring.
      Doldrums (n): The state of being groggy or idle
      Discern (v): To understand how things differ
             from one another.
      Jocund (adj): Lively and merry.
      Motley (adj): Having a regular grab bag of different parts.
      
      (Note: definitions are often not complete sentences -- they may not have subject and verb.)
Sam'll Answer
DEAR SAM:
       Etymology seems to mean the history of a word. Where does the word 'etymology' come from?
LIKES WORD HISTORY.

DEAR LIKES WORDS,
      You're correct about the meaning. Its beginnings are very old. It comes from the Greek words etymos which means 'true', and logos meaning 'word' or 'speech'.


Answer to this Month's Riddle
      Q. Why did the King complain about the peasant who said, "I very poor."
      A. His subject didn't have a verb.
(Back to top of page)
This Month's Puzzle
      Name the parts of speech of each of these words:
skin
tan
fast
help
hurry
salmon
Today's Gnarly Weather
      Rain (s) forecast (v).

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